Forgiveness... and other postive stuff.

Wow- 

   I woke up this morning ready to get on and blog about this crap week I've had again... (Seriously, what is going on with me?) Here's a shortlist of what I was going to complain in detail about this morning:

• I've woken up the past four days with an allergic reaction in my mouth, on my lips, and cheeks. No idea what it's from... but I've been in an antihistamine coma with it. Looks so yummy!

• My eating plan is fluctuating and not stable, I've been so off of my food targets again this week. And I've been craving, and slightly giving in to them, bad stuff like fried foods and cheesy greasy cheesy pizza. (Yes that's a double cheesy!)
• I hurt my knee walking on Sunday, and I still cannot put full weight on it, so no exercise other than light weight-lifting with the upper body, but let's be honest... with the allergy meds I don't feel like doing anything other than laying in bed...

   So in short, I've been pretty hard on myself this week, when I could have been a bit more understanding. There's been lots of negative things flowing through my head, and I've been heading back to the head space that I lived in during my deep depression stints. Those moments of Me telling Myself how much I'm disgusted by her, how she's so weak, how she'll never be able to do this, and how she should just be real and give up now. It's been especially hard watching my husband work out  and see him get his results so quickly! ( Did I mention he's been going through his own healthy eating and work out change because of my own? That's a positive, but I took it negatively because he has only been going for a few weeks and he's changed soooo much already!)

   I started up the computer, mad at myself for limping out of bed with a sore face, and getting on the scales to see a gain AGAIN, ready to degrade and belittle myself entirely, then I see that Amy has posted her new challenge for this week. From her blog:

   "BUT what happens when you hit a stumbling block of self-doubt?  Or when you run out of energy to contend with those horrible negative thoughts that filter through?  (and they always do...)   When you don't have any self-worth, or you can't see your own value - how on earth do you propel yourself further through, knowing full well you could either have a breakthrough or a breakdown in that one pivotal moment?"

   I really wish there was an easy answer for this, like someone could just tell you to do "this" or "that" and you'll be all better! *POOF* I want that poof, that instant magical breakthrough... but I realized that sitting here in my little black cloud is not gonna make it happen. (Therefore... is that my poof?)

   Have I really ever forgiven Myself and let Me realize that she just needed some help and some self-love and a little encouragement or maybe she just needed some time to get used to our new changes? I guess I always never thought of it. I never explained to her that we were going to do this together, I kind of just blindfolded her, stuck the proverbial cigarette in her mouth, and shoved her in front of the diet firing squad. And you know, maybe that's what she needed to show that we were serious this time. But now, maybe I just need to forgive her, and hold out a hand to help her along the way.

   "... so I forgave her - all her indiscretions, all her pains, all her pitfalls, all her mistakes, all her hurts... "

   Am I truly ready to forgive that part of myself that made me so sad, dejected, and depressed? I just don't know. But I do know that I'm not going to be so hard on Myself this week. I know that I couldn't help the allergies and the way the meds make me feel. I know I couldn't help my knee being all weird from my walk. And I know everybody has cravings, and everyone gives in now and then. So I'll give Myself a little break this time. Is it BFFs between Me and Myself, no. But I guess it's a step in the right direction.

   So now, positives that have happened this week:

• I celebrated my 25th birthday on Saturday. (GASP!) I realized I moved age brackets for surveys and stuff now. I got to talk to my mom in the US and she sang me "Happy Birthday" on Skype, which brought tears to my eyes.
• I applied for six new jobs yesterday. 
• Hubby sat through Harry Potter six and seven part one with me for my birthday movie night!
• Hubby has been cigarette free for six WHOLE days and before that, he's only had one in the past nine days! (with minimal nicotine tantrums!)
• I think I've finally decided what to study in Uni!

   It's a start, I've got loads of new books to read from the library, and I've got a goal to find at least five more jobs to apply to this week. So I know that I'll have a gain on my official weigh-in tomorrow. But there's always next week.